I Survived; Now I Live;

When I first heard of the Semicolon Movement I was intrigued. I loved the message of not ending your own sentence but to leave room for more of your life to be written, to not give up hope after a bad paragraph. After reading a few articles and testimonies about how these little punctuation symbols had contributed to many lives being saved I began to think about my own experiences with suicide, both my own attempts as well as discovering my mom's body after her suicide.. Where I had always had some deeper form of divine intervention, which I attribute to nothing less than allowing God to pull me through my weakest moments through blind faith that maybe things could get better, my mom wasn't able to find that strength and she was successful at her final attempt. After having my heart stirred by this semicolon movement, I sat down with a little photo editor app on my phone and went to make a graphic to share about suicide prevention and awareness. I didn't want to jump on a bandwagon or reinvent the wheel of a movement that was already doing such great things but I wanted to come up with a way to incorporate this grammatical symbol into my own personal message;

                                                                               


People have told me for years that I am a survivor and although that is true, there is something about being called a survivor over and over that drives me crazy. I am so much more than a survivor these days, I am more than a conqueror in Christ. Surviving is no way to live. I've been there done that, had the .83 cents left over each month in my bank account as a single mom of two. I also have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at a high level, meaning that what I deal with is similar to military grade shell shock, stemming from all of the abuses and traumas I have endured. Ultimately I came up with the phrase, I Survived; Now I Live; , and I tried it out in different formats and fonts, then things around the house got busy and I put my phone down and walked away from it.

A few days later when I stumbled upon the simple little image that I had made on my phone, I thought to myself that it would make a great tattoo. Then I got to thinking ahead to what it would be like when I pass away and to have a medical examiner or funeral director looking at my tattoo and thinking I was an idiot because apparently I hadn't survived and I no longer lived. I chuckled as I imagined this scenario play out in my mind but when I mulled this thought over in my mind, a dual meaning to this message jumped out at me and I knew that I had to do something with these words. I have survived. Past tense, I no longer spend my days surviving, hanging on for dear life by the skin of my teeth, and struggling with daily thoughts of ending my own life. I may take momentary and unintentional trips to those dark places but I no longer exist in the condition of survival mode. I now live my life, I don't hide from pain or problems, I face them head on. It can be ugly and there are many days where I could be classified as nothing more than a hot mess but I live my life, fully embracing the good with the bad. I get out there in the big scary world, I feel, I offer and accept love, I serve and give, as well as embrace rejection and failure. The negative things that we cannot avoid no longer dictate my ability to hope for better days. I fall down but I get back up and I am no longer numb and trapped by fear, I am healing more each day and am the most alive that I have ever been.


I Survived; Now I Live;


What about when my body lays cold and lifeless? My message will still hold true! This world is not my home, I don't plan on surviving this world in the sense that I will physically live forever. I fully intend on rolling into heaven with empty pockets and not an ounce of energy left to give to another broken soul. I plan on arriving weathered and exhausted, but not a day before He calls me home and no later than He intended due to fearfully hiding away in survivorville. When I get to heaven, I will still be able to say,


I Survived; Now I Live;


My life is eternal as I am already positioned in heavenly places with Christ, there will be no second death for me. Though while I am here, I will continue to keep safe guards in place, I will survive the awful things this world has to throw at me and not allow them to make me bitter or self destructive, I will not succumb to despair. As a child of a parent lost to suicide, I have an over 50% higher risk of suicide attempts myself. Having ended up in the ER once to have my stomach pumped, having the barrel of a gun slowly removed from my mouth as my hands shook with my finger on the trigger, and nearly suffocating with a belt around my neck, the odds are quite literally stacked against me. I do not keep any medications in my home that could be combined to a lethal dose and I don't own or have access to a firearm. God has healed me but I know that someone with my risk level would be foolish to think that I would never cave to the temptation of a quick reaction, especially when triggered by my PTSD. To this day, as I write this post exactly fourteen years to the day that my mom ended her own sentence, I remain grateful that she didn't end her life in a gory manner. It was visually traumatizing enough to pull her stiff body out of a bathtub full of water but I am grateful that there were no pools of blood and that she had not cut herself up or pulled a trigger. Loss is loss and suicide even in the least visually disturbing manner is still such a traumatic event to endure. It doesn't solve problems or end pain and suffering that it's falsely believed to, it just tragically passes all of those heavy issues onto the next of kin and heaps a little extra on the side.


I Survived; Now I Live;


You can too! Don't end your own sentence, there are many more wonderful things yet to take place in your life. I am living proof that pain and trauma don't have to destroy you, those things have no power to take us down if we don't let them. If you need help, ask. You are worth it. It's okay to struggle with mental health issues and many chemical imbalances can be easily treated, you are so much more than those things and your life is so much more precious than any amount of pride you are holding onto by keeping your struggles a secret. Call this number if you are dealing with any temptations to harm yourself, or better yet call before it gets to the point of needing to be talked off of that ledge. I have had to make these calls before and I am obviously here to tell you that they helped me.  800-273-TALK (8255) Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention is a great place to find resources for yourself of loved ones who struggle with this issue. If you feel awkward about calling just watch this video made by one of my amazing friends who works closely with the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.



I Survived; Now I Live;


Each year on my mom's suicide anniversary date, I try to do something to reclaim the day, to make new and life changing memories for myself and others. This year I decided to do something with those words that I played around with on my photo editing app. I had them permanently placed on my left wrist so that everywhere I go, people will ask me about them. What does that say? What does that mean? What does the semicolon stand for? I am 100% Pro-Life, no exceptions, from conception to natural death. God gives us life and only He should determine when to bring us back to Himself. I often joke that I have to make a tough decision each morning while standing in my closet. Do I dress cute or do I wear a pro-life t-shirt? My pro-life t-shirts win everyday and honestly, they will most likely continue to win out even though I now have a pro-life message permanently attached to my body. Why? Because the time we have here is too precious to remain silent about the sanctity of human life. I made the decision to actively participate in the semicolon movement as a constant reminder to never allow those dark moments to win, to never again settle for surviving, and to live my life with meaning and purpose each and every day. We are not meant to live for ourselves but to serve God and others. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it, this scripture doesn't say that there will never be deep valleys of suffering to push through, we must hold on with hope and assurance that God will work all things together for our good, just as He promises in Romans 8:28. I will leave my life in God's hands and until He sees fit to bring me home and I will continue to share the message of LIFE;

I Survived; Now I Live; My future is bright in Christ; He has good plans for you too; Just give Him a chance; He will change your life around; It might not be perfect or the way you had planned it; But you can have joy unspeakable; It gets better; and better; I promise; But you will only know if you choose to keep on living;


*EDIT* Two days after I posted this, I learned that my sister tried to end her own life the same day that I got my tattoo and posted this message... My heart is still heavy and broken, especially since she has chosen to write me off and block me out of her life after I alerted the hospital staff to our family history... I feel helpless when it comes to reaching her but prayerfully I can reach others whose family members have shut them out in like manner! We all have to do our part and sadly, those closest to us are often just too far from out own reach... Thankfully she survived and I will continue to hope and pray for her healing and that she will also choose to LIVE her life;

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